Ranting like a champ.

I'm done being treated like shit. I've allowed it for way to long, but now it's time for me to respect myself and put my foot down. Contrary to popular belief, i have feelings. I come across as a tough skinned bitch that doesn't give a fuck, and to some extent, i am. But over time, it'll get to me.
No one can get to me like my boyfriend can though. He has the power to make me fly high and he has the power to crush me face first into the ground. I hate it. This is the main reason why i'm so scared of love. I hate the idea of anyone controlling my emotions. It's true that i don't have all the cares and worries that most people have; so yeah, i smile a lot. But at the first sign of devin being frustrated or disappointed, my smile is long gone. I'm not myself. I want everything i do to make him happy. I don't do a lot things i want to because i know he'll hate it. I'm done with piercings. I stop myself from getting tattoos. I want his opinion on my wardrobe. I refuse to drink anymore. I'm sure it's good for me to be refraining from most things, but that's not me. I don't stop myself from anything. I get an idea and i do it. I have yet to regret anything i've done, so i have yet to learn how to stop and think before just going for it.
Don't get me wrong, i love devin with all my heart. But that's just it. I love him, so i want to be perfect for him. I shouldn't strive for such a lofty, impossible goal; but it's my natural instinct. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. He's just not wired like i am, so he doesn't know he's doing anything that hurts me. I'm not a psycho woman that gets mad at him for everything. I like being teased. It makes the relationship a friendship too instead of just awkward lovey doveyness 24/7. But sometimes that lovey doveyness is exactly what i need. It's not his problem, it's mine. If i'm aiming for perfection, i've already set myself up for disappointment. I just need to learn how to not take things so personally. I love devin, and i want to be with him the rest of my life. He's the best person i've ever met. I'm so blessed to have him as mine. But i'm so scared i'll do something wrong and lose him though. Hence the nearly constant self consciousness. What a roller coaster.

Then there's my mother. It's pretty bad when everyone knows you as the one with the crazy mom. I her mind, i'm a meth addicted, drug dealing, alcoholic whore. I don't believe the thought that i might not be that bad has crossed her mind recently. It's tough growing up in the shadow of your highly successful older brother, but it shouldn't be THIS bad. I dropped out of school. So what. I have yet to be in trouble with the law...minus a couple speeding tickets. I willingly told them that i've drank before. And the most of done with drugs is experimented basically, which i also willingly to them (and it was marijuana, not meth). So you can probably understand my frustrations when all i seem to hear is how pathetic my life is. Her theory is that as long as i live under her roof, she has the power to run my life. I'd understand that except for the fact that it's backwards with my brother. True, he doesn't live in this house anymore. But my parents pay rent on the house he does live in. They pay for his insurance, school, phone, everythinggg. He's allowed to do whatever he wants. When i pull that card, i get to hear about how he's a boy and they don't have to worry about him as much as they have to with their "baby girl." What a complete sexist. I'm over it. I'm done being yelled at over nothing. I'm done being treated like free labor.
I'm ready to move.
But for that, i need money.
I have plenty, but not enough.
Which brings me to my third point. I hate when people use me for my money. It's been a routine since i was 10 years old. Why 10? Cause i moved to hong kong when my dad got promoted and that meant $$$ everywhere. I was a blessed kid, and people knew it. I made friends easy, but i quickly learned that i kept the majority of them by supplying them with things. That meant buying them things with the money my mother gave me when we went out. I hated it. I'd smile and have fun around them, and then i'd go home and cry cause i felt so alone. I wanted to go back to california cause kids there never asked for anything but my friendship. My wish was finally granted in 2008, but i quickly learned that kids here are the exact same way. The majority of my friendships consisted of people using me for some reason or other. One of my best friends at the time actually just recently admitted to only hanging out with me cause my brother and his cute friends hung out at my house and she liked them. How heart warming.
I cut out everyone that was blatantly using me in 2010. I've been drama free ever since. But even now, i have friends that expect me to buy things for them. Sadly, i usually just do it cause i'm a nice person. But then i feel sick afterwards cause i know i'm mindlessly draining my bank account making it harder for me to move out. If i offer to buy something for you and it's my idea, that's fine. But DO NOT expect it to be a routine. I know if i hit rock bottom with my finances, no one would help me. So i refuse to hit $0, and thus, i refuse to be your walking piggy bank.

End of rant.

Amazed.

My boyfriend isn't answering his phone, so i've been playing oregon trail for the past hour or so. I have no life, and i'm totally okay with it.

I'm supposed to be getting ready to leave right now BUT, like i said, my boyfriend isn't answering his phone, so i guess i'll just spend a little more quality time with my space heater and blog.

The last 24 hours have been rather unbelievable for me. I got to see God working in my family, and we really needed it.
Not a lot of people are aware of this, but my family struggles financially. When i tell people that, they laugh in my face and consider me a brat because my finance problems are a breeze compared to most. Once again, i'm not comparing my situation to that of a bum on the street. All i'm saying is my parents own two large gyms (which just so happen to cost A LOT to maintain), they pay my brother's college tuition to the top aeronautical university in the usa, and they pay bills on our house and the upkeep of our rather spacious backyard (which isn't cheap either).
People think just because my dad is a business owner, he's automatically rich. Wrong. A business must be profitable for the owner to start making bank. Neither of our gyms are profitable yet. So basically, we're putting in more money than we're getting out at this point.
To say the least, it's stressing my parents out beyond the breaking point. They're ready to sell everything and move to a much smaller house and possibly sell the business off to someone else.
Yesterday, a lot changed. One of the members at the san marcos gym came over to me and said God spoke to him about my dad. He wanted me to write down everything he'd been told word for word. After my lunch break, i got a piece of paper and a pen and told him to go for it. Honestly, i didn't expect him to say anything that really applied to my life. But what he said hit me like a brick wall.
"Steve, the Lord said do not worry about the finances that you have need of, for this specific thing you have in mind. I, the Lord, will bring it and you will know that it's by my hand. I will provide it."
I was speechless.
When i emailed it to my dad, he was speechless too.
Don't get me wrong, i know God exists. I know He's there watching over me and He loves me. It just shocked me so unbelievably much.

I can't remember the last time my family was this genuinely calm and relaxed.
I love it.

3am. Need i say more?

Just the fact that it's 3am and i'm still awake makes me grumpy. I don't like sleep, i love sleep. And when insomnia kicks in, my grumpiness kicks in too.

Although, i was rather bitter before this too. Why? Family problems. I can't remember the last time we were all happy and getting along.
People like to give me crap because "my problems are so simple since all i deal with are bickering parents."
1. I'm not having a competition with anyone on how bad my problems are. Obviously there are millions of people with lives that are 72652848472x crappier than mine.
2. It doesn't matter if it's a small argument or a full blown hell raiser, fighting is fighting and none of it's fun. Especially not when it's day after day. No matter how hard i try to stay strong, it always starts to stress me out and bring me down.

I just want a happy family at least once in a while. It's not to much to ask for.

Pulling the age card.

"You're only 18, you're so young. You'll understand when you're older."

^ If you want me to sock you in the groin, go ahead and say that to my face.

Do people honestly think that 18 year olds don't understand anything? It's my biggest pet peeve.

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and 4 months now and i STILL have people telling me i don't know a thing about true love. The last person to tell me that immediately went into telling me that he knew all about love because he'd dated over 15 models and his last girlfriend was a former playmate. COOLSTORYBRO, but your long line of ex girlfriends doesn't mean you know anything about love. In fact, it symbolizes quite the opposite.
Love is when you'd sacrifice everything for the happiness of someone else.
Speaking from my own experience, i'll do whatever it takes to see my boyfriend happy. It makes my day a million times better when i see him smile his freaking adorable smile. I feel like i've succeeded.

I feel like i'm just rambling now. /: I'll blame it on A.D.D to cover the fact that i'm just a horrible writer.

To wrap it up i'll say this:

I don't care how old you are, NOTHING is out of your league.

Dreams. And not the good kind.

I had a dream last night that my boyfriend died. People kept telling me it'd be okay, they were there for me, time would heal it; but it all went in one ear and right out the other. I couldn't believe he was gone. I couldn't imagine life without seeing him ever again. I kept asking who would hold me when i was scared and sad. I kept trying to tell myself he'd come back any second and it was all a lie. I kept crying.

Then i woke up.
My heart was racing, i had tears running down my face, and i was gasping for air.
The dream was so vivid, it took a moment to realize it was fake.
I've never been so scared.

But it made me think what it's like for those who deal with that in real life. I've never been able to tell them it'll be okay, because i know deep down it's not. But..what can i say to them?

I know i'll be dealing with a fair amount of death in my life time, since death is inevitable for everyone. Honestly, it scares me. My puppy passed away 5 weeks and 1 day ago, and i still cry just as hard now as i did then. I don't know how well i'll handle the others.