Pet peeves.

These are in no particular order.

1. Girls calling themselves ugly for attention. You seriously think you're ugly? Is that why you have 192 pictures in an album labeled 'ME'? I'm calling bullshart. Everyone's beautiful in their own way. Confidence only boosts that beauty. So instead of wallowing in your disgusting self pity, strap on your big girl boots and stop giving so many fucks about what people think of you.

2. When someone tells a joke and everyone laughs, but then they keep telling it. It was funny the first time, NOT YOU'RE KILLING IT.

3. When friends start complaining about you spending more time with your boyfriend/girlfriend than with them. Get over your jealous already. If you had a significant other, you'd understand. It goes like this: significant other > everyone else. We're with each other cause we want to spend more time with each other than with other people. If it wasn't that way, we'd leave it at 'just friends' and act accordingly. End of story.

4. Skinny girls saying they're fat. I work at a gym. I know fat. The majority of girls that claim they fall under the category definitely don't. Being able to get a substantial pinch out of your midriff DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE FAT. Every time you advertise your bs, you make an actual over weight person feel like poop. Your mouth is bigger than your waist. Shut it.

5. Drivers that don't use their blinkers. What is so hard about simply putting your blinker on before scooting your 55mph butt out in front of my 80mph butt? If i drove something a little bigger than a mazda3, i'd be more than happy to run cars over multiple times a day. But for now, my middle finger will have to continue to do work. Blinkers are there for a reason. Use them.

6. Rich people. I guess i shouldn't throw them all under the bus...but i'm going to. The majority of wealthy people i've met seem to live in a delusional world where everything they say is gospel truth and if someone else throws their two cents in, it's just their dumb opinion and nothing more. Congratulations on making a ton of money, but that doesn't make you jesus. You have an expertise in one field of business. Outside of that, you're an amateur. Get over yourself. There's more to life than money.

7. Judgmental Christians. I understand that we have Jesus in our hearts and he forgave us and saved us from hell, but we're all still the spawn of satan. Every single human on this earth is a sinner. You think your sin isn't as bad as mine? Read your Bible. Sin is sin. God doesn't rate it on a level between 1 and 10. Accepting Christ into your life means He forgave your sin and promised you eternal life. It DOES NOT mean he appointed you to point out everything i do wrong in my life. It clearly states in the Bible to remove the plank in your own eye before removing the speck from your brother's eye. Get crackin on that plank, then we'll talk.

8. Non christians that think all christians are judgmental and hypocritical. Uhm, hi i'm rachel. I'm a christian, and i'm none of the above.

9. People that expect me to pay for everything cause apparently my wallet is an eternal money tree. I have more money than you, sorry bout that. It means i learned how to save from a very young age. I used to spend like cray cause i could afford it. Now i'm back on the saving train before i reach bankruptcy. Stop simply expecting me to buy you things. I'm your friend, not your walking dollar bill. If that's all you consider me, move along.

10. Parents. I'll just leave it at that.

Typical night in the clinefelter house.

Another fight. Fucking a, i'm pretty sure this is getting to be a routine and i don't appreciate it.
This one came about because my mother is positive i'm going broke and she basically hates the idea of bankruptcy with a passion. No matter what i say, she swears i spend money out the ying yang on the most unnecessary crap in the world. Holy ballss woman calm down. I'm not in any debt whatsoever, i'm currently on a budget, and i don't go on ridiculous shopping sprees anymore.
Regardless, she foretold the future and bankruptcy is definitely in it for me.
Anyone that knows me knows that i'm not one to sit back and quietly listen while someone bitches about ridiculous things. Especially when that bitching happens to be at max volume right in my face. So of course i turn into the biggest smartass. From there, it escalates.
After about an hour, i can't handle it anymore. I have an internal bullshit timer. When it runs out, someone better shut their mouth or leave immediately because i will rage. Unfortunately my mother enjoys gluing herself to people, so she neither shut up or left and she got my rage.
More escalation.
When i'm done raging, i'm done talking. I have nothing else to say to whoever my victim is, because i probably covered all my bases in the highly offensive and profanity filled department while i was raging. But once again, my mother VERY UNFORTUNATELY is never done talking/yelling. She can go for hours. Blocking her out is useless cause she has the screechiest voice when she's mad. I know this might sound horrible, but i pass the rest of the talk time just thinking of all the different ways i could punch her in the face.

Loving your mom should be a part of life, but that sure isn't the case for me. That woman is so uptight, bitchy, and arrogant. I can't get along with her. I'm everything she's not and vice versa. Some people know her as tyrant trish or pissy patricia.

I'm fine with anything she wants to say about me to hurt me. Yeah, it hurts. But no i don't dwell on it and let it affect my daily life.
There's one single thing she can mention to fire me up all over again. My boyfriend, Devin.
She'll tell me he deserves someone better. She'll threaten to tell him that i'm an irresponsible pos that has no future. She tells me he probably cheats on me cause she would if she was him. And last but not least, she'll accuse me of whoring around with other guys and cheating on him. What gives her that idea? "I wear low cut shirts that signal to other men that i'm open for business." HOLY BALLS IS SHE SERIOUS.
She used one of those tonight and i snapped. She was coming down the stairs into the kitchen, so i came around the corner and socked her. I'm sorry to anyone that thinks that's absolutely horrible. In my defense, i warned her several times that she'd be getting tooth to knuckle contact if she didn't shut her pie hole. She chose knuckles. No one, absolutely NO ONE talks shit on my man. Ever. Case closed.

I thought it was worth it to fight for him. That is, until i got his text.

"Well I'll just be honest I don't know if I can do this forever. It's not fair to me. It ruins my night, my sleep, my next day, and makes me literally sick. I don't know when I'm gonna snap and just stop trying and just move on. I love you to death but I can't be doing this to myself unless things change.

I can't remember the last time i felt so hurt by someone. All i understood was that his second hand view of my abuse is making his life too difficult.
It's not fair to him? Emotional abuse it's fair to anyone. Especially not the person receiving it.
It ruins his sleep? I get to sleep around 2-3am some nights because that's when the screaming and yelling ends. That'll ruin your sleep schedule and appetite any day.
From what i understand, he can't handle my pain forever because it isn't fair to him, so instead he'll snap and find some other girl who doesn't deal with emotional abuse. Then maybe he'll sleep alright, have good days, and never miss a meal.
I cried when i read his text. I don't cry. I hate crying. And i'm crying now from just reading the text again.
That alone shows how hurt i am.

The temptation to give up is unbelievably strong right now. But it's not an option.
I can't let my parents or a boy get in the way. If my parents don't love me, so be it. If the love of my life would prefer a good nights sleep over me, so be it. As much as i'd like to change them, i can't. All i can do is focus on working my butt off towards a better future for myself.

When i grow up.

I've come to the conclusion that the majority of adults don't know how to interact with children, so they usually default back to the most typical question: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
I didn't like the question, cause i never had an answer. For some reason, i always thought there were only 5 available jobs. Doctor, teacher, veterinarian, dentist, and grocery store cashier. No thanks, noo thanks, nope, NOOOOOOOOOONEVER, and maybe. Apparently i couldn't grasp the idea that there are thousands of jobs, so i figured my fate fell in scanning and bagging groceries since all the other jobs involved blood and i wasn't down for that. Oh, and there was the job of pilot. But my brother called dibs, so i was screwed.
One of my main aims used to be making my parents proud. I didn't want to just make them proud. I wanted to floor them with my talents. It never worked out quite like i planned. I made the winning goal on my hockey team and got some bragging rights, but then i got schooled on how i need to pass more. I aced a test and got a high five, but then i was asked if i'd used the answer book to cheat. I cleaned my room without being told, only to have a speck of dust pointed out on my floor and get told it was looking 'alright'.
I guess making my parents proud is still one of my goals to some extent. The only difference now is that i know I don't have any unbelievable, shock worthy talents and i don't get my hopes up.
I've never known what i want to be when i grow up, and it bugged/bugs me. A lot. It seems like everyone else i know at least has a dream. I like an idea for one day, and within hours, i'm completely over it. I always thought it was completely unnaturally to be this way, cause my brother knew what he wanted to do when he was 5, and now he's doing it. He started his flying lessons when he was 10. Yeah, imagine a 10 year old hopping in a cockpit. Regardless of there being an instructor present, that's still mind blowing. But he did it. He now goes to one of the most expensive colleges in the US. My parents will never regret the money they dish out for his education, cause he doesn't disappoint them.
Let's look at my life now.
Home schooling me was what gave my mother the majority of her grey hair. I never liked education and i did anything i could to get out of it. That doesn't mean i wasn't smart. I managed to get all A's and one C throughout my entire 12 years of school. My parents thought i was also on the path to huge success. But then came college. What a joke. 4 classes, 4 F's. No effort, no motivation, no encouragement, no more college. I was done. That single semester took every last bit of fight out of me. My parents, as well as other circumstances with someone i love, killed me. I had never felt so much disappointment. I knew if i went back and tried again, i'd do it all over and pile on more disappointment. So i gave up. Something i swore i'd never do.
I gave up on trying to succeed in anything. I sat back and relaxed on this roller coaster we call life. It didn't make me feel any better, though i never expected it would. It was just easier. And it was my first big mistake. I stopped trying. I stopped caring. I stopped being me. I really thought i had nothing great to live for.
The only thing keeping me going was my boyfriend. His love was my motivation, and his smile was my goal. Still is. No matter how horrible my day has been, i feel like it's all worth it when he wraps me up in his arms. He's the one who got me back on track. He doesn't push me into education like my parents do. He encourages me to want something more for my life.
So, thanks to his gentle prodding, i think i've found a career path that i'm ready and motivated to take.


When i grow up, i want to be a psychiatrist.