Oh hey blog, it's been ages.

I haven't been able to blog at all recently. Every time I sit down to write, I can't come up with the words. I just stare for forever, then I exit out and get on with my day. I'm kind of over it. I want to write so bad. So here goes nothing.

Things are finally looking up. I'm happy with where I am and who I am. So for no particular reason whatsoever, I'm doing random things about myself.

1. I've always felt like I'm too tall. Probably because I hit my growth spurt in Hong Kong where everyone is miniature size. Towering over all your friends for 8 years straight scars you. I don't mind it so much now. But if I randomly got cut off at the knees, I wouldn't complain.

2. I have a huge problem with motivation. People think I just don't care, and sometimes they're right. But more often than not, I do care. I want to clean my room, I want to work my ass off, I want to strive towards my goals..but I sit on the couch figuring I'll do it later. I annoy myself. You'd think my massive amounts of annoyance would be my motivation.. There's something so wrong with me.

3. I've always wanted to be asked out in a super cute way. My first boyfriend asked me out over text, but we were 14 so it was acceptable. My second boyfriend asked me out in my front yard, and it wasn't that cute cause he was choking over his own nervous words and I had to have him repeat himself like 5 times. My third asked me out in a dentist office..need I say more? My fourth never asked me out. I asked him out over the phone while he was belligerently drunk at a wedding in Texas. Once again, not that cute. My dream was always to have some guy take me on a super cute date, and finish it off by looking me in the eyes and asking me to be his girlfriend. Cheesy, I know. And now I've reached a point where I'm head over heels for only one guy, and I already have him. So unless he leaves me and asks me out again, that ain't happening.

4. I hate it when girls squeal. End of story.

5. I have the most annoying laugh ever. It goes: hahaahaaaHAha. Or HAAhahaha. I'd appreciate it if my laugh stayed at one level and one volume. But oh well. Annoying laugh for the win.

6. I listen to music nearly all day everyday. I wake up to music. I turn my iPod on while I shower/do my makeup and hair. Music while I clean the house. Music while I drive to work. Music at work. Music on the drive home. Music to fall asleep. Sleep. Repeat.

The house smells like waffles. So this post is over until further notice.

Dear Best Friend.

I started the 30 day letter challenge because I feel like I need to blog more, and my rants are getting old.

Dear best friend,

Rebecca Christine Hochhalter. Look how far we've come. We got make overs, jobs, high school diplomas, and just a speck of responsibility. It seems like just yesterday we were those girls sitting in front of killer pizza with our gnarly eyeshadow and hooker heels, trying to hook you up with jacob. Holy balls, what a memory. I'm so thankful to have you in my life. I'll be honest, I thought a couple times we were done. We fought hard, but I think we needed to get it out of our system. We were young and stupid. But it's been over a year now since our last blow out, and we're still tighter than the jo bro's pants! Thank you for always being the person I can count on. Day or night, rain or shine; you're there. Unless you're in de luz..then there's no service and you're beyond my reach. You're the only person on the face of this earth that knows me inside and out. I used to try putting on a charade when my emotions were plummeting, but you always saw right through it. So I simply don't try hiding from you anymore. And I have to say, it's the best gift anyone's ever given me. It feels good to know you see right through me, and you still love me.
I'm so proud of you for the huge changes you've made over the last year and a half. I thought I'd lost my best friend when you started doing drugs. I could still hang out with you and have a fun time, but deep down there was something wrong. It wasn't you. I know it was a long, hard process getting off drugs. But you did it. And I'm always going to be so proud of you for that. I think my proudest moment though was watching you walk across the stage to get your high school diploma. I teared up when they called you back up for the scholarship. Despite everyone telling you you couldn't, you did. That's why I love you. You take what people think/say about you, and you turn it around and shove it right back in their faces.
Stay strong. Stay you.

Love,
Me.

Change of plans.

Insomnia, really? You had to hit tonight? I WANT TO SLEEP. I can't express how inconvenient you are.

I'm supposed to be in Arizona right now, but my life is kind of on this routine where nothing goes as planned. So far we're 3 for 3!
This last minute trip cancellation was no one's fault though. Devin came down with an ear infection, sinus infection, and strep throat. Worst possible combination. I swear this kid is always trying to top his own record of how sick can he possibly get without dying. NOT CHILL.
I'm alright with the change of plans. I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip if he was miserable the whole time.

I'm just kind of bummed I can't escape my house this weekend. I've come to a point with my parents that I can barely handle. They have no trust for me. My mom nags me consistently at the worst possible times. I'm over it all.
When are they going to realize I'm not a bad kid?
My mom likes to hold my "experiments" over my head. Yeah, I experimented. So? Doesn't mean I'm going to turn into an alcoholic, meth addicted whore. It means my curiosity is satisfied. Nothing more.

Holy balls.
My insomnia is gone now.
I'm taking advantage of this.
Goodnight blog.

You are not welcome in my pants.

This is the first time i've ever posted from an actual computer. I always use the blogger app on my phone. Total loser status.

SO. Today i'm here to complain about people. What's new.

I'll be discussing the most typical female whining topic.
Men.
I absolutely abhor men that are 100% aware that you're in love with someone, and yet they continue to try to catch your attention. Every single approach is tested. Shower me with compliments? Sorry, there's only one guy i want to hear that stuff from. Buy me things? Thanks, i love free shit. But i don't love you, and i never will. Bring me candy? Attempting to lure a girl in with candy is slightly pedophile-ish. Talk shit on the man i love? I really really REALLY dislike people that talk down on people i love. Tell me my love is hooking up with other girls? COOL YOU JUST MADE ME CRY. -1239128639176 points.
All i'm trying to say is you will fail in every attempt to win my heart. Get that through your head.
Then all of a sudden reality slaps them in the face. That sweet guy turns into a mini me of satan. They'll grab any chance they can to simply throw it in my face that i broke their heart. If they find an opportunity to take a rude stab at my feelings? Of course they'll take it.
Guess what.
I.
DO.
NOT.
CARE.
AT ALL.
Yes, i'm a sweet girl with a big heart. I love people. I love caring about people. But if you attempt to get in my pants through sweet talk, fail epicly, and follow your failure up with treating me like an ass; you might as well write me off as being a cold hearted bitch, because i owe you nothing more than that.
And as a side note to one particular guy, i think it's kind of funny that you tried to guilt trip me for being with Devin again, and not even 3 hours later, the truth is out that you're with other women. Good try. (:

People, please stop giving me crap about Devin. I know you guys have my best interest in mind. You guys don't want to see me hurt, and i appreciate that. But if you really want me to be happy, let me do my own thing with Devin. He makes me so happy. Yes, we fight..too much. And you guys are more aware of the bad times because i tend to advertise those in my attempt to find comfort. But please also be aware that Devin and i have A LOT of good times too. I don't know what the future holds for him and i. We might be together forever, we might not. I can't worry about the future though. I'm trying to live one day at a time. Right now, i'm happy. Let that be. There will be more tears, but there will also be more smiles.
I'm not one to take advice. I have to find things out for myself. Plus, i've never seen anyone take their own advice, so why should i?

Holy balls, i lost track of time. A longgg work day is calling my name.
Toooodallooooo.

Useless ranting.

I'm so used to going with the flow of life. I never think to stop and ask myself if half the things I do are worth it. I wait until the end to find out. Not the greatest life tactic, because I normally end up at least somewhat hurt.
I'm currently chasing the person I love. I'd like to know my efforts will pay off and it'll end in happy ever after, but honestly, I don't know anymore.
There's only so much I can do. I love on him like there's no tomorrow. I was never good at portraying my love to him, but I'm trying my hardest now. I don't receive a lot back. And that's discouraging beyond belief.
Anyone who knows about my situation is telling me it's all a waste. But, people should know by now that that'll make me try harder.
I don't want to try harder to prove them wrong though. I want to go all out because I want him more than anything else.

I think I've lost him though. He's changing a lot. Especially now that he's 21. Bars are the new thing. If he and I were together, I wouldn't be so scared every time he goes out. But knowing he's not mine, I get this knot in my stomach. My heart tells me it'll be okay, but my head tells me there are beautiful girls everywhere.
He reassures me sometimes, but I can't say I believe him 100%. I've been lied to enough by so many people. I have trust issues. And I can't help but remember when he cheated on me. I asked him if he'd cheated, and he blatantly said no. Not just once, but 3 times. I had gained nearly all my trust back, but this break up has demolished most of it again.

Deep down, I know it's done. I'd never admit that out loud, cause I'm in denial.
Devin and I are just very different people. I'm the kind to embrace every flaw and difference, but I know Devin well enough to know he wouldn't want to handle me forever.

I'm beating myself up over love.
How stupid can I be.

This rant has officially ended.

Change starts now.

I've been waiting for the world to change. I've been expecting that one day I'd wake up and magically be a naturally responsible, organized young lady.
Hahh, NOPE. Not happening.
I've been living in denial for long enough. People keep telling me I'm young and I have so much time to grow up.
No.
Change starts now.

Some things can't wait any longer. Like my health. I'd be shocked if I don't have diabetes. The doctor tells me every time that I need to get my diet under control. I never cared enough. I labelled myself 'invincible' and lived like it. I always swore I'd take care of it tomorrow. Always, ALWAYS tomorrow. I feel the consequences of it now. I'm always tired. Dizziness isn't out of the ordinary. I hurt all over. But I don't like talking about it. They'll only tell me what I already know. Plus, I complain enough as it is.

One day, I'd like to look back and be proud of myself. I want to change my reputation and prove everyone wrong. But more than that, I want to live knowing I did it.

Thanks for reminding me.

I make a lot of mistakes. Perfection is completely unattainable. I'm not aiming to be perfect. I'm aiming to be a responsible, hard working person.
My boyfriend left me for 2 of my biggest flaws.
1. Running late & 2. Irresponsibility.
When we were together, I felt like shit constantly for it. It's like I couldn't ever get it right. I tried. Believe me I tried so hard. But no matter what, something always knocked me off track.
I lost heart. I needed to get shoved back into place by someone who would hold my hand and encourage me every step of the way.
Once in a while, when I had a break down, Devin would promise to be that person. It was all I wanted to hear cause I wanted him to be that person. But it all fell through within a couple days. Every single time.
I know Devin has my best interest in mind and he wants me to succeed, but he doesn't have what it takes from what I can see.
I need someone who won't get so easily frustrated.
When I'm supposed to be meeting with Devin at a certain time and I realize it's past that time, I write my day off as being crappy. By the time I'm with him, he's shut down. I can feel his disappointment radiating off him. If ever there's a time that I want to disappear, that'd be it.
Maybe I'm just a dreamer, but it'd make my day if he smiled and teased me about it, but still held my hand and told me I could do better next time.

I don't respond well to constant criticism and teasing about my biggest weaknesses.

Last night, I got in a fight with my mom and brother. They're just like each other, so it's deadly when they team up. I got the complete run down of all my faults. I could've taken the test and aced it before they even opened their mouths. I know EXACTLY what I do wrong. I don't need someone to remind me again and again and again.

I feel like I've hit a rut and I can't get out. I'll keep getting criticized until I can perfect myself. I can't seem to get it straight until someone takes my hand and leads me to the goal. The person I want to do that won't do it until I fix myself. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

I know I can do it alone. I'm a strong person. But I know in the process I'll leave a lot of people in the past. People that mean a lot to me. That breaks my heart.

On the inside.

I've wanted to do nothing more than blog to release stress, but every time I sit down to do it, my brain goes haywire and I can't make sense of anything. I haven't been myself lately. I hate who I've become.
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a happy, carefree soul that never shuts up. For the last week, I've been quite the opposite. Only the people that really know me would guess something's wrong, but to the rest of the world I'd like to keep holding up my happy charade.

For starters, love can go fuck itself.
Young, naive me thought it was a good idea to go fall in love with a boy. High five to me..
Devin wants to stay friends. I don't see how that's going to work out.
He gave me 3 reasons why he broke up with me.
1. My family is crazy and it adds stress to his life.
2. I'm always late.
3. I'm immature.

My response to that?
1. Understandable. My parents are rather controlling and it usually ruins a fun time.
2. I'm a girl. It's in my DNA. Have fun finding a girl who doesn't run late at least once in a while.
3. I'm pretty sure everyone within a 10 year radius of me is just as immature, if not more.

Considering I find those reasons to be odd, I can't help but think there's another girl. Either that or he just really doesn't want to be with me.
EQUALLY AS SHITTY.
I can't function correctly anymore. I'm living in some sort of haze. I hate it. I wake up every morning feeling rejuvenated, then reality slaps me in the face and I instantly feel sick. Everything changed so fast. I thought Devin and I were fine. We were the best we'd been in months. Then it just ended. Makes me sick. I haven't been able to eat even a fourth of what I normally eat. I already lost 5lbs. I'm falling back into my old state of constant depression.

I never dreamed of marriage until I met Devin. He changed all my views on love. Yeah, we fought..a lot, but I loved him. I'd do anything to have it back.

I'm so sick of people giving me relationship advice. I appreciate all of it, but let's just say I'm not the kind to take advice 99.9% of the time. I tend to follow my heart, not my head.

I told Devin a couple days ago that we shouldn't talk. Not because that's what I wanted, but because that's what he's asking for. The 3 reasons he gave me for breaking up with me aren't going to go away if we stay friends. My parents will still stress him out, I'll still be late, and I'll still be immature. The only thing that changed is I can't call him my boyfriend anymore. When I told him we should cut ties, he told me I wasn't fighting for the relationship and I obviously didn't care. I had absolutely nothing logical to say to that. My brain was on fire. I wanted to scream. He doesn't get how much I love him and want to be with him.
He accused me of already moving on to other guys. Fuck that. I only have one heart to give out and it's currently in his possession.

This whole thing makes me want to get in my car and slam into a wall at 100mph.
I want out. I hate depression day after day. I hate this sick feeling I get in my stomach when I think of him with anyone else. I hate realizing he doesn't know how much I love him. I hate living a lie. I hate that I allowed myself to love. I hate who I've become. I hate it all.

I want to rewind a week and take it all back.
I want him.

Forever alone.

I really hate how much things can change in a split second.

As the title implies, i am indeed single. I didn't even know anything was all that wrong. But things weren't working out i guess. I understand that. He has a busy life and not a lot of time for me between work and school. I was just added stress. I can handle that.
But he was talking to me last night and he made the comment that if i found a new guy that i should just go for it and not let him hold me back. He told me if/when i found a new guy i had to set the new guy up for an interview with him. That scared me more than it should. I don't want another guy. The way he said made me think there's another girl in his life. It's like he wanted me to be with someone new so he doesn't feel bad about doing the same. The thought kills. But if it's true, i'd prefer he just get it over with. I can't be left dangling.
Sleep is impossible. My appetite is nonexistent. I'm wasting away.

Ever wonder why love has always been sketchy business to me? Now you know.

Pet peeves.

These are in no particular order.

1. Girls calling themselves ugly for attention. You seriously think you're ugly? Is that why you have 192 pictures in an album labeled 'ME'? I'm calling bullshart. Everyone's beautiful in their own way. Confidence only boosts that beauty. So instead of wallowing in your disgusting self pity, strap on your big girl boots and stop giving so many fucks about what people think of you.

2. When someone tells a joke and everyone laughs, but then they keep telling it. It was funny the first time, NOT YOU'RE KILLING IT.

3. When friends start complaining about you spending more time with your boyfriend/girlfriend than with them. Get over your jealous already. If you had a significant other, you'd understand. It goes like this: significant other > everyone else. We're with each other cause we want to spend more time with each other than with other people. If it wasn't that way, we'd leave it at 'just friends' and act accordingly. End of story.

4. Skinny girls saying they're fat. I work at a gym. I know fat. The majority of girls that claim they fall under the category definitely don't. Being able to get a substantial pinch out of your midriff DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE FAT. Every time you advertise your bs, you make an actual over weight person feel like poop. Your mouth is bigger than your waist. Shut it.

5. Drivers that don't use their blinkers. What is so hard about simply putting your blinker on before scooting your 55mph butt out in front of my 80mph butt? If i drove something a little bigger than a mazda3, i'd be more than happy to run cars over multiple times a day. But for now, my middle finger will have to continue to do work. Blinkers are there for a reason. Use them.

6. Rich people. I guess i shouldn't throw them all under the bus...but i'm going to. The majority of wealthy people i've met seem to live in a delusional world where everything they say is gospel truth and if someone else throws their two cents in, it's just their dumb opinion and nothing more. Congratulations on making a ton of money, but that doesn't make you jesus. You have an expertise in one field of business. Outside of that, you're an amateur. Get over yourself. There's more to life than money.

7. Judgmental Christians. I understand that we have Jesus in our hearts and he forgave us and saved us from hell, but we're all still the spawn of satan. Every single human on this earth is a sinner. You think your sin isn't as bad as mine? Read your Bible. Sin is sin. God doesn't rate it on a level between 1 and 10. Accepting Christ into your life means He forgave your sin and promised you eternal life. It DOES NOT mean he appointed you to point out everything i do wrong in my life. It clearly states in the Bible to remove the plank in your own eye before removing the speck from your brother's eye. Get crackin on that plank, then we'll talk.

8. Non christians that think all christians are judgmental and hypocritical. Uhm, hi i'm rachel. I'm a christian, and i'm none of the above.

9. People that expect me to pay for everything cause apparently my wallet is an eternal money tree. I have more money than you, sorry bout that. It means i learned how to save from a very young age. I used to spend like cray cause i could afford it. Now i'm back on the saving train before i reach bankruptcy. Stop simply expecting me to buy you things. I'm your friend, not your walking dollar bill. If that's all you consider me, move along.

10. Parents. I'll just leave it at that.

Typical night in the clinefelter house.

Another fight. Fucking a, i'm pretty sure this is getting to be a routine and i don't appreciate it.
This one came about because my mother is positive i'm going broke and she basically hates the idea of bankruptcy with a passion. No matter what i say, she swears i spend money out the ying yang on the most unnecessary crap in the world. Holy ballss woman calm down. I'm not in any debt whatsoever, i'm currently on a budget, and i don't go on ridiculous shopping sprees anymore.
Regardless, she foretold the future and bankruptcy is definitely in it for me.
Anyone that knows me knows that i'm not one to sit back and quietly listen while someone bitches about ridiculous things. Especially when that bitching happens to be at max volume right in my face. So of course i turn into the biggest smartass. From there, it escalates.
After about an hour, i can't handle it anymore. I have an internal bullshit timer. When it runs out, someone better shut their mouth or leave immediately because i will rage. Unfortunately my mother enjoys gluing herself to people, so she neither shut up or left and she got my rage.
More escalation.
When i'm done raging, i'm done talking. I have nothing else to say to whoever my victim is, because i probably covered all my bases in the highly offensive and profanity filled department while i was raging. But once again, my mother VERY UNFORTUNATELY is never done talking/yelling. She can go for hours. Blocking her out is useless cause she has the screechiest voice when she's mad. I know this might sound horrible, but i pass the rest of the talk time just thinking of all the different ways i could punch her in the face.

Loving your mom should be a part of life, but that sure isn't the case for me. That woman is so uptight, bitchy, and arrogant. I can't get along with her. I'm everything she's not and vice versa. Some people know her as tyrant trish or pissy patricia.

I'm fine with anything she wants to say about me to hurt me. Yeah, it hurts. But no i don't dwell on it and let it affect my daily life.
There's one single thing she can mention to fire me up all over again. My boyfriend, Devin.
She'll tell me he deserves someone better. She'll threaten to tell him that i'm an irresponsible pos that has no future. She tells me he probably cheats on me cause she would if she was him. And last but not least, she'll accuse me of whoring around with other guys and cheating on him. What gives her that idea? "I wear low cut shirts that signal to other men that i'm open for business." HOLY BALLS IS SHE SERIOUS.
She used one of those tonight and i snapped. She was coming down the stairs into the kitchen, so i came around the corner and socked her. I'm sorry to anyone that thinks that's absolutely horrible. In my defense, i warned her several times that she'd be getting tooth to knuckle contact if she didn't shut her pie hole. She chose knuckles. No one, absolutely NO ONE talks shit on my man. Ever. Case closed.

I thought it was worth it to fight for him. That is, until i got his text.

"Well I'll just be honest I don't know if I can do this forever. It's not fair to me. It ruins my night, my sleep, my next day, and makes me literally sick. I don't know when I'm gonna snap and just stop trying and just move on. I love you to death but I can't be doing this to myself unless things change.

I can't remember the last time i felt so hurt by someone. All i understood was that his second hand view of my abuse is making his life too difficult.
It's not fair to him? Emotional abuse it's fair to anyone. Especially not the person receiving it.
It ruins his sleep? I get to sleep around 2-3am some nights because that's when the screaming and yelling ends. That'll ruin your sleep schedule and appetite any day.
From what i understand, he can't handle my pain forever because it isn't fair to him, so instead he'll snap and find some other girl who doesn't deal with emotional abuse. Then maybe he'll sleep alright, have good days, and never miss a meal.
I cried when i read his text. I don't cry. I hate crying. And i'm crying now from just reading the text again.
That alone shows how hurt i am.

The temptation to give up is unbelievably strong right now. But it's not an option.
I can't let my parents or a boy get in the way. If my parents don't love me, so be it. If the love of my life would prefer a good nights sleep over me, so be it. As much as i'd like to change them, i can't. All i can do is focus on working my butt off towards a better future for myself.

When i grow up.

I've come to the conclusion that the majority of adults don't know how to interact with children, so they usually default back to the most typical question: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
I didn't like the question, cause i never had an answer. For some reason, i always thought there were only 5 available jobs. Doctor, teacher, veterinarian, dentist, and grocery store cashier. No thanks, noo thanks, nope, NOOOOOOOOOONEVER, and maybe. Apparently i couldn't grasp the idea that there are thousands of jobs, so i figured my fate fell in scanning and bagging groceries since all the other jobs involved blood and i wasn't down for that. Oh, and there was the job of pilot. But my brother called dibs, so i was screwed.
One of my main aims used to be making my parents proud. I didn't want to just make them proud. I wanted to floor them with my talents. It never worked out quite like i planned. I made the winning goal on my hockey team and got some bragging rights, but then i got schooled on how i need to pass more. I aced a test and got a high five, but then i was asked if i'd used the answer book to cheat. I cleaned my room without being told, only to have a speck of dust pointed out on my floor and get told it was looking 'alright'.
I guess making my parents proud is still one of my goals to some extent. The only difference now is that i know I don't have any unbelievable, shock worthy talents and i don't get my hopes up.
I've never known what i want to be when i grow up, and it bugged/bugs me. A lot. It seems like everyone else i know at least has a dream. I like an idea for one day, and within hours, i'm completely over it. I always thought it was completely unnaturally to be this way, cause my brother knew what he wanted to do when he was 5, and now he's doing it. He started his flying lessons when he was 10. Yeah, imagine a 10 year old hopping in a cockpit. Regardless of there being an instructor present, that's still mind blowing. But he did it. He now goes to one of the most expensive colleges in the US. My parents will never regret the money they dish out for his education, cause he doesn't disappoint them.
Let's look at my life now.
Home schooling me was what gave my mother the majority of her grey hair. I never liked education and i did anything i could to get out of it. That doesn't mean i wasn't smart. I managed to get all A's and one C throughout my entire 12 years of school. My parents thought i was also on the path to huge success. But then came college. What a joke. 4 classes, 4 F's. No effort, no motivation, no encouragement, no more college. I was done. That single semester took every last bit of fight out of me. My parents, as well as other circumstances with someone i love, killed me. I had never felt so much disappointment. I knew if i went back and tried again, i'd do it all over and pile on more disappointment. So i gave up. Something i swore i'd never do.
I gave up on trying to succeed in anything. I sat back and relaxed on this roller coaster we call life. It didn't make me feel any better, though i never expected it would. It was just easier. And it was my first big mistake. I stopped trying. I stopped caring. I stopped being me. I really thought i had nothing great to live for.
The only thing keeping me going was my boyfriend. His love was my motivation, and his smile was my goal. Still is. No matter how horrible my day has been, i feel like it's all worth it when he wraps me up in his arms. He's the one who got me back on track. He doesn't push me into education like my parents do. He encourages me to want something more for my life.
So, thanks to his gentle prodding, i think i've found a career path that i'm ready and motivated to take.


When i grow up, i want to be a psychiatrist.

Ranting like a champ.

I'm done being treated like shit. I've allowed it for way to long, but now it's time for me to respect myself and put my foot down. Contrary to popular belief, i have feelings. I come across as a tough skinned bitch that doesn't give a fuck, and to some extent, i am. But over time, it'll get to me.
No one can get to me like my boyfriend can though. He has the power to make me fly high and he has the power to crush me face first into the ground. I hate it. This is the main reason why i'm so scared of love. I hate the idea of anyone controlling my emotions. It's true that i don't have all the cares and worries that most people have; so yeah, i smile a lot. But at the first sign of devin being frustrated or disappointed, my smile is long gone. I'm not myself. I want everything i do to make him happy. I don't do a lot things i want to because i know he'll hate it. I'm done with piercings. I stop myself from getting tattoos. I want his opinion on my wardrobe. I refuse to drink anymore. I'm sure it's good for me to be refraining from most things, but that's not me. I don't stop myself from anything. I get an idea and i do it. I have yet to regret anything i've done, so i have yet to learn how to stop and think before just going for it.
Don't get me wrong, i love devin with all my heart. But that's just it. I love him, so i want to be perfect for him. I shouldn't strive for such a lofty, impossible goal; but it's my natural instinct. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. He's just not wired like i am, so he doesn't know he's doing anything that hurts me. I'm not a psycho woman that gets mad at him for everything. I like being teased. It makes the relationship a friendship too instead of just awkward lovey doveyness 24/7. But sometimes that lovey doveyness is exactly what i need. It's not his problem, it's mine. If i'm aiming for perfection, i've already set myself up for disappointment. I just need to learn how to not take things so personally. I love devin, and i want to be with him the rest of my life. He's the best person i've ever met. I'm so blessed to have him as mine. But i'm so scared i'll do something wrong and lose him though. Hence the nearly constant self consciousness. What a roller coaster.

Then there's my mother. It's pretty bad when everyone knows you as the one with the crazy mom. I her mind, i'm a meth addicted, drug dealing, alcoholic whore. I don't believe the thought that i might not be that bad has crossed her mind recently. It's tough growing up in the shadow of your highly successful older brother, but it shouldn't be THIS bad. I dropped out of school. So what. I have yet to be in trouble with the law...minus a couple speeding tickets. I willingly told them that i've drank before. And the most of done with drugs is experimented basically, which i also willingly to them (and it was marijuana, not meth). So you can probably understand my frustrations when all i seem to hear is how pathetic my life is. Her theory is that as long as i live under her roof, she has the power to run my life. I'd understand that except for the fact that it's backwards with my brother. True, he doesn't live in this house anymore. But my parents pay rent on the house he does live in. They pay for his insurance, school, phone, everythinggg. He's allowed to do whatever he wants. When i pull that card, i get to hear about how he's a boy and they don't have to worry about him as much as they have to with their "baby girl." What a complete sexist. I'm over it. I'm done being yelled at over nothing. I'm done being treated like free labor.
I'm ready to move.
But for that, i need money.
I have plenty, but not enough.
Which brings me to my third point. I hate when people use me for my money. It's been a routine since i was 10 years old. Why 10? Cause i moved to hong kong when my dad got promoted and that meant $$$ everywhere. I was a blessed kid, and people knew it. I made friends easy, but i quickly learned that i kept the majority of them by supplying them with things. That meant buying them things with the money my mother gave me when we went out. I hated it. I'd smile and have fun around them, and then i'd go home and cry cause i felt so alone. I wanted to go back to california cause kids there never asked for anything but my friendship. My wish was finally granted in 2008, but i quickly learned that kids here are the exact same way. The majority of my friendships consisted of people using me for some reason or other. One of my best friends at the time actually just recently admitted to only hanging out with me cause my brother and his cute friends hung out at my house and she liked them. How heart warming.
I cut out everyone that was blatantly using me in 2010. I've been drama free ever since. But even now, i have friends that expect me to buy things for them. Sadly, i usually just do it cause i'm a nice person. But then i feel sick afterwards cause i know i'm mindlessly draining my bank account making it harder for me to move out. If i offer to buy something for you and it's my idea, that's fine. But DO NOT expect it to be a routine. I know if i hit rock bottom with my finances, no one would help me. So i refuse to hit $0, and thus, i refuse to be your walking piggy bank.

End of rant.

Amazed.

My boyfriend isn't answering his phone, so i've been playing oregon trail for the past hour or so. I have no life, and i'm totally okay with it.

I'm supposed to be getting ready to leave right now BUT, like i said, my boyfriend isn't answering his phone, so i guess i'll just spend a little more quality time with my space heater and blog.

The last 24 hours have been rather unbelievable for me. I got to see God working in my family, and we really needed it.
Not a lot of people are aware of this, but my family struggles financially. When i tell people that, they laugh in my face and consider me a brat because my finance problems are a breeze compared to most. Once again, i'm not comparing my situation to that of a bum on the street. All i'm saying is my parents own two large gyms (which just so happen to cost A LOT to maintain), they pay my brother's college tuition to the top aeronautical university in the usa, and they pay bills on our house and the upkeep of our rather spacious backyard (which isn't cheap either).
People think just because my dad is a business owner, he's automatically rich. Wrong. A business must be profitable for the owner to start making bank. Neither of our gyms are profitable yet. So basically, we're putting in more money than we're getting out at this point.
To say the least, it's stressing my parents out beyond the breaking point. They're ready to sell everything and move to a much smaller house and possibly sell the business off to someone else.
Yesterday, a lot changed. One of the members at the san marcos gym came over to me and said God spoke to him about my dad. He wanted me to write down everything he'd been told word for word. After my lunch break, i got a piece of paper and a pen and told him to go for it. Honestly, i didn't expect him to say anything that really applied to my life. But what he said hit me like a brick wall.
"Steve, the Lord said do not worry about the finances that you have need of, for this specific thing you have in mind. I, the Lord, will bring it and you will know that it's by my hand. I will provide it."
I was speechless.
When i emailed it to my dad, he was speechless too.
Don't get me wrong, i know God exists. I know He's there watching over me and He loves me. It just shocked me so unbelievably much.

I can't remember the last time my family was this genuinely calm and relaxed.
I love it.

3am. Need i say more?

Just the fact that it's 3am and i'm still awake makes me grumpy. I don't like sleep, i love sleep. And when insomnia kicks in, my grumpiness kicks in too.

Although, i was rather bitter before this too. Why? Family problems. I can't remember the last time we were all happy and getting along.
People like to give me crap because "my problems are so simple since all i deal with are bickering parents."
1. I'm not having a competition with anyone on how bad my problems are. Obviously there are millions of people with lives that are 72652848472x crappier than mine.
2. It doesn't matter if it's a small argument or a full blown hell raiser, fighting is fighting and none of it's fun. Especially not when it's day after day. No matter how hard i try to stay strong, it always starts to stress me out and bring me down.

I just want a happy family at least once in a while. It's not to much to ask for.

Pulling the age card.

"You're only 18, you're so young. You'll understand when you're older."

^ If you want me to sock you in the groin, go ahead and say that to my face.

Do people honestly think that 18 year olds don't understand anything? It's my biggest pet peeve.

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and 4 months now and i STILL have people telling me i don't know a thing about true love. The last person to tell me that immediately went into telling me that he knew all about love because he'd dated over 15 models and his last girlfriend was a former playmate. COOLSTORYBRO, but your long line of ex girlfriends doesn't mean you know anything about love. In fact, it symbolizes quite the opposite.
Love is when you'd sacrifice everything for the happiness of someone else.
Speaking from my own experience, i'll do whatever it takes to see my boyfriend happy. It makes my day a million times better when i see him smile his freaking adorable smile. I feel like i've succeeded.

I feel like i'm just rambling now. /: I'll blame it on A.D.D to cover the fact that i'm just a horrible writer.

To wrap it up i'll say this:

I don't care how old you are, NOTHING is out of your league.

Dreams. And not the good kind.

I had a dream last night that my boyfriend died. People kept telling me it'd be okay, they were there for me, time would heal it; but it all went in one ear and right out the other. I couldn't believe he was gone. I couldn't imagine life without seeing him ever again. I kept asking who would hold me when i was scared and sad. I kept trying to tell myself he'd come back any second and it was all a lie. I kept crying.

Then i woke up.
My heart was racing, i had tears running down my face, and i was gasping for air.
The dream was so vivid, it took a moment to realize it was fake.
I've never been so scared.

But it made me think what it's like for those who deal with that in real life. I've never been able to tell them it'll be okay, because i know deep down it's not. But..what can i say to them?

I know i'll be dealing with a fair amount of death in my life time, since death is inevitable for everyone. Honestly, it scares me. My puppy passed away 5 weeks and 1 day ago, and i still cry just as hard now as i did then. I don't know how well i'll handle the others.