Change starts now.

I've been waiting for the world to change. I've been expecting that one day I'd wake up and magically be a naturally responsible, organized young lady.
Hahh, NOPE. Not happening.
I've been living in denial for long enough. People keep telling me I'm young and I have so much time to grow up.
No.
Change starts now.

Some things can't wait any longer. Like my health. I'd be shocked if I don't have diabetes. The doctor tells me every time that I need to get my diet under control. I never cared enough. I labelled myself 'invincible' and lived like it. I always swore I'd take care of it tomorrow. Always, ALWAYS tomorrow. I feel the consequences of it now. I'm always tired. Dizziness isn't out of the ordinary. I hurt all over. But I don't like talking about it. They'll only tell me what I already know. Plus, I complain enough as it is.

One day, I'd like to look back and be proud of myself. I want to change my reputation and prove everyone wrong. But more than that, I want to live knowing I did it.

Thanks for reminding me.

I make a lot of mistakes. Perfection is completely unattainable. I'm not aiming to be perfect. I'm aiming to be a responsible, hard working person.
My boyfriend left me for 2 of my biggest flaws.
1. Running late & 2. Irresponsibility.
When we were together, I felt like shit constantly for it. It's like I couldn't ever get it right. I tried. Believe me I tried so hard. But no matter what, something always knocked me off track.
I lost heart. I needed to get shoved back into place by someone who would hold my hand and encourage me every step of the way.
Once in a while, when I had a break down, Devin would promise to be that person. It was all I wanted to hear cause I wanted him to be that person. But it all fell through within a couple days. Every single time.
I know Devin has my best interest in mind and he wants me to succeed, but he doesn't have what it takes from what I can see.
I need someone who won't get so easily frustrated.
When I'm supposed to be meeting with Devin at a certain time and I realize it's past that time, I write my day off as being crappy. By the time I'm with him, he's shut down. I can feel his disappointment radiating off him. If ever there's a time that I want to disappear, that'd be it.
Maybe I'm just a dreamer, but it'd make my day if he smiled and teased me about it, but still held my hand and told me I could do better next time.

I don't respond well to constant criticism and teasing about my biggest weaknesses.

Last night, I got in a fight with my mom and brother. They're just like each other, so it's deadly when they team up. I got the complete run down of all my faults. I could've taken the test and aced it before they even opened their mouths. I know EXACTLY what I do wrong. I don't need someone to remind me again and again and again.

I feel like I've hit a rut and I can't get out. I'll keep getting criticized until I can perfect myself. I can't seem to get it straight until someone takes my hand and leads me to the goal. The person I want to do that won't do it until I fix myself. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

I know I can do it alone. I'm a strong person. But I know in the process I'll leave a lot of people in the past. People that mean a lot to me. That breaks my heart.

On the inside.

I've wanted to do nothing more than blog to release stress, but every time I sit down to do it, my brain goes haywire and I can't make sense of anything. I haven't been myself lately. I hate who I've become.
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a happy, carefree soul that never shuts up. For the last week, I've been quite the opposite. Only the people that really know me would guess something's wrong, but to the rest of the world I'd like to keep holding up my happy charade.

For starters, love can go fuck itself.
Young, naive me thought it was a good idea to go fall in love with a boy. High five to me..
Devin wants to stay friends. I don't see how that's going to work out.
He gave me 3 reasons why he broke up with me.
1. My family is crazy and it adds stress to his life.
2. I'm always late.
3. I'm immature.

My response to that?
1. Understandable. My parents are rather controlling and it usually ruins a fun time.
2. I'm a girl. It's in my DNA. Have fun finding a girl who doesn't run late at least once in a while.
3. I'm pretty sure everyone within a 10 year radius of me is just as immature, if not more.

Considering I find those reasons to be odd, I can't help but think there's another girl. Either that or he just really doesn't want to be with me.
EQUALLY AS SHITTY.
I can't function correctly anymore. I'm living in some sort of haze. I hate it. I wake up every morning feeling rejuvenated, then reality slaps me in the face and I instantly feel sick. Everything changed so fast. I thought Devin and I were fine. We were the best we'd been in months. Then it just ended. Makes me sick. I haven't been able to eat even a fourth of what I normally eat. I already lost 5lbs. I'm falling back into my old state of constant depression.

I never dreamed of marriage until I met Devin. He changed all my views on love. Yeah, we fought..a lot, but I loved him. I'd do anything to have it back.

I'm so sick of people giving me relationship advice. I appreciate all of it, but let's just say I'm not the kind to take advice 99.9% of the time. I tend to follow my heart, not my head.

I told Devin a couple days ago that we shouldn't talk. Not because that's what I wanted, but because that's what he's asking for. The 3 reasons he gave me for breaking up with me aren't going to go away if we stay friends. My parents will still stress him out, I'll still be late, and I'll still be immature. The only thing that changed is I can't call him my boyfriend anymore. When I told him we should cut ties, he told me I wasn't fighting for the relationship and I obviously didn't care. I had absolutely nothing logical to say to that. My brain was on fire. I wanted to scream. He doesn't get how much I love him and want to be with him.
He accused me of already moving on to other guys. Fuck that. I only have one heart to give out and it's currently in his possession.

This whole thing makes me want to get in my car and slam into a wall at 100mph.
I want out. I hate depression day after day. I hate this sick feeling I get in my stomach when I think of him with anyone else. I hate realizing he doesn't know how much I love him. I hate living a lie. I hate that I allowed myself to love. I hate who I've become. I hate it all.

I want to rewind a week and take it all back.
I want him.

Forever alone.

I really hate how much things can change in a split second.

As the title implies, i am indeed single. I didn't even know anything was all that wrong. But things weren't working out i guess. I understand that. He has a busy life and not a lot of time for me between work and school. I was just added stress. I can handle that.
But he was talking to me last night and he made the comment that if i found a new guy that i should just go for it and not let him hold me back. He told me if/when i found a new guy i had to set the new guy up for an interview with him. That scared me more than it should. I don't want another guy. The way he said made me think there's another girl in his life. It's like he wanted me to be with someone new so he doesn't feel bad about doing the same. The thought kills. But if it's true, i'd prefer he just get it over with. I can't be left dangling.
Sleep is impossible. My appetite is nonexistent. I'm wasting away.

Ever wonder why love has always been sketchy business to me? Now you know.