On the inside.

I've wanted to do nothing more than blog to release stress, but every time I sit down to do it, my brain goes haywire and I can't make sense of anything. I haven't been myself lately. I hate who I've become.
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a happy, carefree soul that never shuts up. For the last week, I've been quite the opposite. Only the people that really know me would guess something's wrong, but to the rest of the world I'd like to keep holding up my happy charade.

For starters, love can go fuck itself.
Young, naive me thought it was a good idea to go fall in love with a boy. High five to me..
Devin wants to stay friends. I don't see how that's going to work out.
He gave me 3 reasons why he broke up with me.
1. My family is crazy and it adds stress to his life.
2. I'm always late.
3. I'm immature.

My response to that?
1. Understandable. My parents are rather controlling and it usually ruins a fun time.
2. I'm a girl. It's in my DNA. Have fun finding a girl who doesn't run late at least once in a while.
3. I'm pretty sure everyone within a 10 year radius of me is just as immature, if not more.

Considering I find those reasons to be odd, I can't help but think there's another girl. Either that or he just really doesn't want to be with me.
EQUALLY AS SHITTY.
I can't function correctly anymore. I'm living in some sort of haze. I hate it. I wake up every morning feeling rejuvenated, then reality slaps me in the face and I instantly feel sick. Everything changed so fast. I thought Devin and I were fine. We were the best we'd been in months. Then it just ended. Makes me sick. I haven't been able to eat even a fourth of what I normally eat. I already lost 5lbs. I'm falling back into my old state of constant depression.

I never dreamed of marriage until I met Devin. He changed all my views on love. Yeah, we fought..a lot, but I loved him. I'd do anything to have it back.

I'm so sick of people giving me relationship advice. I appreciate all of it, but let's just say I'm not the kind to take advice 99.9% of the time. I tend to follow my heart, not my head.

I told Devin a couple days ago that we shouldn't talk. Not because that's what I wanted, but because that's what he's asking for. The 3 reasons he gave me for breaking up with me aren't going to go away if we stay friends. My parents will still stress him out, I'll still be late, and I'll still be immature. The only thing that changed is I can't call him my boyfriend anymore. When I told him we should cut ties, he told me I wasn't fighting for the relationship and I obviously didn't care. I had absolutely nothing logical to say to that. My brain was on fire. I wanted to scream. He doesn't get how much I love him and want to be with him.
He accused me of already moving on to other guys. Fuck that. I only have one heart to give out and it's currently in his possession.

This whole thing makes me want to get in my car and slam into a wall at 100mph.
I want out. I hate depression day after day. I hate this sick feeling I get in my stomach when I think of him with anyone else. I hate realizing he doesn't know how much I love him. I hate living a lie. I hate that I allowed myself to love. I hate who I've become. I hate it all.

I want to rewind a week and take it all back.
I want him.