I make a lot of mistakes. Perfection is completely unattainable. I'm not aiming to be perfect. I'm aiming to be a responsible, hard working person.
My boyfriend left me for 2 of my biggest flaws.
1. Running late & 2. Irresponsibility.
When we were together, I felt like shit constantly for it. It's like I couldn't ever get it right. I tried. Believe me I tried so hard. But no matter what, something always knocked me off track.
I lost heart. I needed to get shoved back into place by someone who would hold my hand and encourage me every step of the way.
Once in a while, when I had a break down, Devin would promise to be that person. It was all I wanted to hear cause I wanted him to be that person. But it all fell through within a couple days. Every single time.
I know Devin has my best interest in mind and he wants me to succeed, but he doesn't have what it takes from what I can see.
I need someone who won't get so easily frustrated.
When I'm supposed to be meeting with Devin at a certain time and I realize it's past that time, I write my day off as being crappy. By the time I'm with him, he's shut down. I can feel his disappointment radiating off him. If ever there's a time that I want to disappear, that'd be it.
Maybe I'm just a dreamer, but it'd make my day if he smiled and teased me about it, but still held my hand and told me I could do better next time.
I don't respond well to constant criticism and teasing about my biggest weaknesses.
Last night, I got in a fight with my mom and brother. They're just like each other, so it's deadly when they team up. I got the complete run down of all my faults. I could've taken the test and aced it before they even opened their mouths. I know EXACTLY what I do wrong. I don't need someone to remind me again and again and again.
I feel like I've hit a rut and I can't get out. I'll keep getting criticized until I can perfect myself. I can't seem to get it straight until someone takes my hand and leads me to the goal. The person I want to do that won't do it until I fix myself. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.
I know I can do it alone. I'm a strong person. But I know in the process I'll leave a lot of people in the past. People that mean a lot to me. That breaks my heart.
You're never alone. I know you said you hate relationship advice and you don't really respond to "everything will get better." But listen to me when I say this, God has a plan. He will weave people in and out of your life for reasons that we sometimes cannot understand.
ReplyDelete“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5
I don't want to come off as preachy, but trust me. I know you're a Christian just like I am. Instead of focusing on your mistakes in the relationship, focus on what you've learned. Through my past relationships, I've learned above all; patience. Sometimes it's not clear. But take everything as a lesson. People make mistakes. WE ARE HUMAN. It's in our nature to make mistakes. If you think you're irresponsible, own up to it. You've admitted your mistakes. That's the first step into fixing them. I'm sorry you get your flaws thrown at you. That's uncool. The person that will take your hand is Him. Trust in HIM. He will lead you. Trust NOT on your OWN understanding.
Break the cycle. I know you can do it. I'm sorry if I sound preachy, again. That is not my intention. I hope I did some good.