Another fight. Fucking a, i'm pretty sure this is getting to be a routine and i don't appreciate it.
This one came about because my mother is positive i'm going broke and she basically hates the idea of bankruptcy with a passion. No matter what i say, she swears i spend money out the ying yang on the most unnecessary crap in the world. Holy ballss woman calm down. I'm not in any debt whatsoever, i'm currently on a budget, and i don't go on ridiculous shopping sprees anymore.
Regardless, she foretold the future and bankruptcy is definitely in it for me.
Anyone that knows me knows that i'm not one to sit back and quietly listen while someone bitches about ridiculous things. Especially when that bitching happens to be at max volume right in my face. So of course i turn into the biggest smartass. From there, it escalates.
After about an hour, i can't handle it anymore. I have an internal bullshit timer. When it runs out, someone better shut their mouth or leave immediately because i will rage. Unfortunately my mother enjoys gluing herself to people, so she neither shut up or left and she got my rage.
More escalation.
When i'm done raging, i'm done talking. I have nothing else to say to whoever my victim is, because i probably covered all my bases in the highly offensive and profanity filled department while i was raging. But once again, my mother VERY UNFORTUNATELY is never done talking/yelling. She can go for hours. Blocking her out is useless cause she has the screechiest voice when she's mad. I know this might sound horrible, but i pass the rest of the talk time just thinking of all the different ways i could punch her in the face.
Loving your mom should be a part of life, but that sure isn't the case for me. That woman is so uptight, bitchy, and arrogant. I can't get along with her. I'm everything she's not and vice versa. Some people know her as tyrant trish or pissy patricia.
I'm fine with anything she wants to say about me to hurt me. Yeah, it hurts. But no i don't dwell on it and let it affect my daily life.
There's one single thing she can mention to fire me up all over again. My boyfriend, Devin.
She'll tell me he deserves someone better. She'll threaten to tell him that i'm an irresponsible pos that has no future. She tells me he probably cheats on me cause she would if she was him. And last but not least, she'll accuse me of whoring around with other guys and cheating on him. What gives her that idea? "I wear low cut shirts that signal to other men that i'm open for business." HOLY BALLS IS SHE SERIOUS.
She used one of those tonight and i snapped. She was coming down the stairs into the kitchen, so i came around the corner and socked her. I'm sorry to anyone that thinks that's absolutely horrible. In my defense, i warned her several times that she'd be getting tooth to knuckle contact if she didn't shut her pie hole. She chose knuckles. No one, absolutely NO ONE talks shit on my man. Ever. Case closed.
I thought it was worth it to fight for him. That is, until i got his text.
"Well I'll just be honest I don't know if I can do this forever. It's not fair to me. It ruins my night, my sleep, my next day, and makes me literally sick. I don't know when I'm gonna snap and just stop trying and just move on. I love you to death but I can't be doing this to myself unless things change.
I can't remember the last time i felt so hurt by someone. All i understood was that his second hand view of my abuse is making his life too difficult.
It's not fair to him? Emotional abuse it's fair to anyone. Especially not the person receiving it.
It ruins his sleep? I get to sleep around 2-3am some nights because that's when the screaming and yelling ends. That'll ruin your sleep schedule and appetite any day.
From what i understand, he can't handle my pain forever because it isn't fair to him, so instead he'll snap and find some other girl who doesn't deal with emotional abuse. Then maybe he'll sleep alright, have good days, and never miss a meal.
I cried when i read his text. I don't cry. I hate crying. And i'm crying now from just reading the text again.
That alone shows how hurt i am.
The temptation to give up is unbelievably strong right now. But it's not an option.
I can't let my parents or a boy get in the way. If my parents don't love me, so be it. If the love of my life would prefer a good nights sleep over me, so be it. As much as i'd like to change them, i can't. All i can do is focus on working my butt off towards a better future for myself.
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