I'm done being treated like shit. I've allowed it for way to long, but now it's time for me to respect myself and put my foot down. Contrary to popular belief, i have feelings. I come across as a tough skinned bitch that doesn't give a fuck, and to some extent, i am. But over time, it'll get to me.
No one can get to me like my boyfriend can though. He has the power to make me fly high and he has the power to crush me face first into the ground. I hate it. This is the main reason why i'm so scared of love. I hate the idea of anyone controlling my emotions. It's true that i don't have all the cares and worries that most people have; so yeah, i smile a lot. But at the first sign of devin being frustrated or disappointed, my smile is long gone. I'm not myself. I want everything i do to make him happy. I don't do a lot things i want to because i know he'll hate it. I'm done with piercings. I stop myself from getting tattoos. I want his opinion on my wardrobe. I refuse to drink anymore. I'm sure it's good for me to be refraining from most things, but that's not me. I don't stop myself from anything. I get an idea and i do it. I have yet to regret anything i've done, so i have yet to learn how to stop and think before just going for it.
Don't get me wrong, i love devin with all my heart. But that's just it. I love him, so i want to be perfect for him. I shouldn't strive for such a lofty, impossible goal; but it's my natural instinct. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. He's just not wired like i am, so he doesn't know he's doing anything that hurts me. I'm not a psycho woman that gets mad at him for everything. I like being teased. It makes the relationship a friendship too instead of just awkward lovey doveyness 24/7. But sometimes that lovey doveyness is exactly what i need. It's not his problem, it's mine. If i'm aiming for perfection, i've already set myself up for disappointment. I just need to learn how to not take things so personally. I love devin, and i want to be with him the rest of my life. He's the best person i've ever met. I'm so blessed to have him as mine. But i'm so scared i'll do something wrong and lose him though. Hence the nearly constant self consciousness. What a roller coaster.
Then there's my mother. It's pretty bad when everyone knows you as the one with the crazy mom. I her mind, i'm a meth addicted, drug dealing, alcoholic whore. I don't believe the thought that i might not be that bad has crossed her mind recently. It's tough growing up in the shadow of your highly successful older brother, but it shouldn't be THIS bad. I dropped out of school. So what. I have yet to be in trouble with the law...minus a couple speeding tickets. I willingly told them that i've drank before. And the most of done with drugs is experimented basically, which i also willingly to them (and it was marijuana, not meth). So you can probably understand my frustrations when all i seem to hear is how pathetic my life is. Her theory is that as long as i live under her roof, she has the power to run my life. I'd understand that except for the fact that it's backwards with my brother. True, he doesn't live in this house anymore. But my parents pay rent on the house he does live in. They pay for his insurance, school, phone, everythinggg. He's allowed to do whatever he wants. When i pull that card, i get to hear about how he's a boy and they don't have to worry about him as much as they have to with their "baby girl." What a complete sexist. I'm over it. I'm done being yelled at over nothing. I'm done being treated like free labor.
I'm ready to move.
But for that, i need money.
I have plenty, but not enough.
Which brings me to my third point. I hate when people use me for my money. It's been a routine since i was 10 years old. Why 10? Cause i moved to hong kong when my dad got promoted and that meant $$$ everywhere. I was a blessed kid, and people knew it. I made friends easy, but i quickly learned that i kept the majority of them by supplying them with things. That meant buying them things with the money my mother gave me when we went out. I hated it. I'd smile and have fun around them, and then i'd go home and cry cause i felt so alone. I wanted to go back to california cause kids there never asked for anything but my friendship. My wish was finally granted in 2008, but i quickly learned that kids here are the exact same way. The majority of my friendships consisted of people using me for some reason or other. One of my best friends at the time actually just recently admitted to only hanging out with me cause my brother and his cute friends hung out at my house and she liked them. How heart warming.
I cut out everyone that was blatantly using me in 2010. I've been drama free ever since. But even now, i have friends that expect me to buy things for them. Sadly, i usually just do it cause i'm a nice person. But then i feel sick afterwards cause i know i'm mindlessly draining my bank account making it harder for me to move out. If i offer to buy something for you and it's my idea, that's fine. But DO NOT expect it to be a routine. I know if i hit rock bottom with my finances, no one would help me. So i refuse to hit $0, and thus, i refuse to be your walking piggy bank.
End of rant.
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