Dear Best Friend.

I started the 30 day letter challenge because I feel like I need to blog more, and my rants are getting old.

Dear best friend,

Rebecca Christine Hochhalter. Look how far we've come. We got make overs, jobs, high school diplomas, and just a speck of responsibility. It seems like just yesterday we were those girls sitting in front of killer pizza with our gnarly eyeshadow and hooker heels, trying to hook you up with jacob. Holy balls, what a memory. I'm so thankful to have you in my life. I'll be honest, I thought a couple times we were done. We fought hard, but I think we needed to get it out of our system. We were young and stupid. But it's been over a year now since our last blow out, and we're still tighter than the jo bro's pants! Thank you for always being the person I can count on. Day or night, rain or shine; you're there. Unless you're in de luz..then there's no service and you're beyond my reach. You're the only person on the face of this earth that knows me inside and out. I used to try putting on a charade when my emotions were plummeting, but you always saw right through it. So I simply don't try hiding from you anymore. And I have to say, it's the best gift anyone's ever given me. It feels good to know you see right through me, and you still love me.
I'm so proud of you for the huge changes you've made over the last year and a half. I thought I'd lost my best friend when you started doing drugs. I could still hang out with you and have a fun time, but deep down there was something wrong. It wasn't you. I know it was a long, hard process getting off drugs. But you did it. And I'm always going to be so proud of you for that. I think my proudest moment though was watching you walk across the stage to get your high school diploma. I teared up when they called you back up for the scholarship. Despite everyone telling you you couldn't, you did. That's why I love you. You take what people think/say about you, and you turn it around and shove it right back in their faces.
Stay strong. Stay you.

Love,
Me.

Change of plans.

Insomnia, really? You had to hit tonight? I WANT TO SLEEP. I can't express how inconvenient you are.

I'm supposed to be in Arizona right now, but my life is kind of on this routine where nothing goes as planned. So far we're 3 for 3!
This last minute trip cancellation was no one's fault though. Devin came down with an ear infection, sinus infection, and strep throat. Worst possible combination. I swear this kid is always trying to top his own record of how sick can he possibly get without dying. NOT CHILL.
I'm alright with the change of plans. I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip if he was miserable the whole time.

I'm just kind of bummed I can't escape my house this weekend. I've come to a point with my parents that I can barely handle. They have no trust for me. My mom nags me consistently at the worst possible times. I'm over it all.
When are they going to realize I'm not a bad kid?
My mom likes to hold my "experiments" over my head. Yeah, I experimented. So? Doesn't mean I'm going to turn into an alcoholic, meth addicted whore. It means my curiosity is satisfied. Nothing more.

Holy balls.
My insomnia is gone now.
I'm taking advantage of this.
Goodnight blog.

You are not welcome in my pants.

This is the first time i've ever posted from an actual computer. I always use the blogger app on my phone. Total loser status.

SO. Today i'm here to complain about people. What's new.

I'll be discussing the most typical female whining topic.
Men.
I absolutely abhor men that are 100% aware that you're in love with someone, and yet they continue to try to catch your attention. Every single approach is tested. Shower me with compliments? Sorry, there's only one guy i want to hear that stuff from. Buy me things? Thanks, i love free shit. But i don't love you, and i never will. Bring me candy? Attempting to lure a girl in with candy is slightly pedophile-ish. Talk shit on the man i love? I really really REALLY dislike people that talk down on people i love. Tell me my love is hooking up with other girls? COOL YOU JUST MADE ME CRY. -1239128639176 points.
All i'm trying to say is you will fail in every attempt to win my heart. Get that through your head.
Then all of a sudden reality slaps them in the face. That sweet guy turns into a mini me of satan. They'll grab any chance they can to simply throw it in my face that i broke their heart. If they find an opportunity to take a rude stab at my feelings? Of course they'll take it.
Guess what.
I.
DO.
NOT.
CARE.
AT ALL.
Yes, i'm a sweet girl with a big heart. I love people. I love caring about people. But if you attempt to get in my pants through sweet talk, fail epicly, and follow your failure up with treating me like an ass; you might as well write me off as being a cold hearted bitch, because i owe you nothing more than that.
And as a side note to one particular guy, i think it's kind of funny that you tried to guilt trip me for being with Devin again, and not even 3 hours later, the truth is out that you're with other women. Good try. (:

People, please stop giving me crap about Devin. I know you guys have my best interest in mind. You guys don't want to see me hurt, and i appreciate that. But if you really want me to be happy, let me do my own thing with Devin. He makes me so happy. Yes, we fight..too much. And you guys are more aware of the bad times because i tend to advertise those in my attempt to find comfort. But please also be aware that Devin and i have A LOT of good times too. I don't know what the future holds for him and i. We might be together forever, we might not. I can't worry about the future though. I'm trying to live one day at a time. Right now, i'm happy. Let that be. There will be more tears, but there will also be more smiles.
I'm not one to take advice. I have to find things out for myself. Plus, i've never seen anyone take their own advice, so why should i?

Holy balls, i lost track of time. A longgg work day is calling my name.
Toooodallooooo.

Useless ranting.

I'm so used to going with the flow of life. I never think to stop and ask myself if half the things I do are worth it. I wait until the end to find out. Not the greatest life tactic, because I normally end up at least somewhat hurt.
I'm currently chasing the person I love. I'd like to know my efforts will pay off and it'll end in happy ever after, but honestly, I don't know anymore.
There's only so much I can do. I love on him like there's no tomorrow. I was never good at portraying my love to him, but I'm trying my hardest now. I don't receive a lot back. And that's discouraging beyond belief.
Anyone who knows about my situation is telling me it's all a waste. But, people should know by now that that'll make me try harder.
I don't want to try harder to prove them wrong though. I want to go all out because I want him more than anything else.

I think I've lost him though. He's changing a lot. Especially now that he's 21. Bars are the new thing. If he and I were together, I wouldn't be so scared every time he goes out. But knowing he's not mine, I get this knot in my stomach. My heart tells me it'll be okay, but my head tells me there are beautiful girls everywhere.
He reassures me sometimes, but I can't say I believe him 100%. I've been lied to enough by so many people. I have trust issues. And I can't help but remember when he cheated on me. I asked him if he'd cheated, and he blatantly said no. Not just once, but 3 times. I had gained nearly all my trust back, but this break up has demolished most of it again.

Deep down, I know it's done. I'd never admit that out loud, cause I'm in denial.
Devin and I are just very different people. I'm the kind to embrace every flaw and difference, but I know Devin well enough to know he wouldn't want to handle me forever.

I'm beating myself up over love.
How stupid can I be.

This rant has officially ended.

Change starts now.

I've been waiting for the world to change. I've been expecting that one day I'd wake up and magically be a naturally responsible, organized young lady.
Hahh, NOPE. Not happening.
I've been living in denial for long enough. People keep telling me I'm young and I have so much time to grow up.
No.
Change starts now.

Some things can't wait any longer. Like my health. I'd be shocked if I don't have diabetes. The doctor tells me every time that I need to get my diet under control. I never cared enough. I labelled myself 'invincible' and lived like it. I always swore I'd take care of it tomorrow. Always, ALWAYS tomorrow. I feel the consequences of it now. I'm always tired. Dizziness isn't out of the ordinary. I hurt all over. But I don't like talking about it. They'll only tell me what I already know. Plus, I complain enough as it is.

One day, I'd like to look back and be proud of myself. I want to change my reputation and prove everyone wrong. But more than that, I want to live knowing I did it.

Thanks for reminding me.

I make a lot of mistakes. Perfection is completely unattainable. I'm not aiming to be perfect. I'm aiming to be a responsible, hard working person.
My boyfriend left me for 2 of my biggest flaws.
1. Running late & 2. Irresponsibility.
When we were together, I felt like shit constantly for it. It's like I couldn't ever get it right. I tried. Believe me I tried so hard. But no matter what, something always knocked me off track.
I lost heart. I needed to get shoved back into place by someone who would hold my hand and encourage me every step of the way.
Once in a while, when I had a break down, Devin would promise to be that person. It was all I wanted to hear cause I wanted him to be that person. But it all fell through within a couple days. Every single time.
I know Devin has my best interest in mind and he wants me to succeed, but he doesn't have what it takes from what I can see.
I need someone who won't get so easily frustrated.
When I'm supposed to be meeting with Devin at a certain time and I realize it's past that time, I write my day off as being crappy. By the time I'm with him, he's shut down. I can feel his disappointment radiating off him. If ever there's a time that I want to disappear, that'd be it.
Maybe I'm just a dreamer, but it'd make my day if he smiled and teased me about it, but still held my hand and told me I could do better next time.

I don't respond well to constant criticism and teasing about my biggest weaknesses.

Last night, I got in a fight with my mom and brother. They're just like each other, so it's deadly when they team up. I got the complete run down of all my faults. I could've taken the test and aced it before they even opened their mouths. I know EXACTLY what I do wrong. I don't need someone to remind me again and again and again.

I feel like I've hit a rut and I can't get out. I'll keep getting criticized until I can perfect myself. I can't seem to get it straight until someone takes my hand and leads me to the goal. The person I want to do that won't do it until I fix myself. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

I know I can do it alone. I'm a strong person. But I know in the process I'll leave a lot of people in the past. People that mean a lot to me. That breaks my heart.

On the inside.

I've wanted to do nothing more than blog to release stress, but every time I sit down to do it, my brain goes haywire and I can't make sense of anything. I haven't been myself lately. I hate who I've become.
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a happy, carefree soul that never shuts up. For the last week, I've been quite the opposite. Only the people that really know me would guess something's wrong, but to the rest of the world I'd like to keep holding up my happy charade.

For starters, love can go fuck itself.
Young, naive me thought it was a good idea to go fall in love with a boy. High five to me..
Devin wants to stay friends. I don't see how that's going to work out.
He gave me 3 reasons why he broke up with me.
1. My family is crazy and it adds stress to his life.
2. I'm always late.
3. I'm immature.

My response to that?
1. Understandable. My parents are rather controlling and it usually ruins a fun time.
2. I'm a girl. It's in my DNA. Have fun finding a girl who doesn't run late at least once in a while.
3. I'm pretty sure everyone within a 10 year radius of me is just as immature, if not more.

Considering I find those reasons to be odd, I can't help but think there's another girl. Either that or he just really doesn't want to be with me.
EQUALLY AS SHITTY.
I can't function correctly anymore. I'm living in some sort of haze. I hate it. I wake up every morning feeling rejuvenated, then reality slaps me in the face and I instantly feel sick. Everything changed so fast. I thought Devin and I were fine. We were the best we'd been in months. Then it just ended. Makes me sick. I haven't been able to eat even a fourth of what I normally eat. I already lost 5lbs. I'm falling back into my old state of constant depression.

I never dreamed of marriage until I met Devin. He changed all my views on love. Yeah, we fought..a lot, but I loved him. I'd do anything to have it back.

I'm so sick of people giving me relationship advice. I appreciate all of it, but let's just say I'm not the kind to take advice 99.9% of the time. I tend to follow my heart, not my head.

I told Devin a couple days ago that we shouldn't talk. Not because that's what I wanted, but because that's what he's asking for. The 3 reasons he gave me for breaking up with me aren't going to go away if we stay friends. My parents will still stress him out, I'll still be late, and I'll still be immature. The only thing that changed is I can't call him my boyfriend anymore. When I told him we should cut ties, he told me I wasn't fighting for the relationship and I obviously didn't care. I had absolutely nothing logical to say to that. My brain was on fire. I wanted to scream. He doesn't get how much I love him and want to be with him.
He accused me of already moving on to other guys. Fuck that. I only have one heart to give out and it's currently in his possession.

This whole thing makes me want to get in my car and slam into a wall at 100mph.
I want out. I hate depression day after day. I hate this sick feeling I get in my stomach when I think of him with anyone else. I hate realizing he doesn't know how much I love him. I hate living a lie. I hate that I allowed myself to love. I hate who I've become. I hate it all.

I want to rewind a week and take it all back.
I want him.